Though I am not a big fan of tamer hosni, I was captured by latest hit" ana mosh 3aref at3'yar"

i was captured most by the line that meant:

" I'll start tomorrow to be different, tomorrow comes and I'm still the same"

Again I repeat I am no fan of that so called tamer hosni, but the line showed pure wisdom

I've always said that to any one who intended to change:

Tomorrow I'll stop smoking cigarettes,

By the start of the week I'll go on a diet,

Or as sha'abn said:

Men awel yanayer, hakoon ensan gdeed

CRAP

Yes crap, if you noticed, the previous statements are 100% real , yet the person themselves never changed

Wl 7al?

You want to start? Start now!

Yes, believe it or not, in most cases, the momentary decision followed by an effective action is the key to the first step

Never believe those who claim: I'll just finish this pack of cigarettes and I promise it will be my last, or,  I promise I'll go to the gym starting this saterday

No promises.

You wanna stop smoking, break that cigarette between ur fingers right now, or are you too weak to do that?

If your answer was yes. . then don't expect to be stronger by the end of the pack

Am I right or what?BOTTOM LINE: it's now or never

Everynow and then i reach that stage which i call: absolutely nowhere

and am looking forward for the time when i never go back there

 

but it just seems so far away

cuz  i keep losing grid everytime i stand up

 

Runing in circles with no clear targets

am not talking here about finishing my education bla bla bla cuz this is not a target anymore its pretty much like FATE: sth u cannot change

 

what am seeking for r real goals i work hard to acheive and feel the joy of victory when acheived

need motivation , enthusiasm and even some dark times

at least i know where am going

 

i've tried, but goals doesn't seem to walk side by side with what i am in right now (i.e what iam doing right now is pure fate with zero control)

so,,,,,

where does it end

it's a circle, a complicated circle

how can a circle be complicated?

it's simple: i can't seem to find the center of it, can't even find a radian

 

Just life goes on!

All By Myself  - celine dion

When I was young
I never needed anyone
And making love was just for fun
Those days are gone
Livin' alone
I think of all the friends I've known
When I dial the telephone
Nobody's home

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself
Anymore

Hard to be sure
Sometimes I feel so insecure
And loves so distant and obscure
Remains the cure

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself
Anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna live
All by myself
Anymore

When I was young
I never needed anyone
Making love was just for fun
Those days are gone

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself
Anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna live
Oh
Don't wanna live
By myself, by myself
Anymore
By myself
Anymore
Oh
All by myself
Don't wanna live
I never, never, never
Needed anyone

the thing is:

I am still young

and I'm wondering

Are these days she's talking about coming i the way?????

I don't wanna be

by myself

 

For the first time in my life,, There’s no bright side!!!!

I just can’t help being so lost

And I am totally transformed

 

I am back to earth

I’ve involuntarily left my fantasy dream world

To come back to earth and live like all others

Being realistic and logical

 

I cry n cry

For sorrows in my heart

No one can hear

No one can see me

All alone

And I wish if there was some1 watching

So he could come and hug me tightly

And promise me a better life

 

Or some1 listening

So he can come and ask me

And I just open up

Everything

Totally everything

I am hiding my pains from reasonably every1

I do have my reasons and excuses

 

And I can’t help it

I am torn up I am broken down I am shattered into small pieces

And nobody knows

Absolutely nobody!

 

I seem strong as hard solid

Unbreakable

 

But I am only unbreakable, cuz there’s nothing really left to break!

So is life with me

 

I am so tired of hiding it

I am not asking for a change

I am only asking for a chance to talk and get all this out of me

 

I donnu what I am doing

Or  I donnu where I am going

But I know that

 

I am being so harsh on me

Trying to be some1 else

Trying to be every1 around

 

I compare myself to every1 I like

Observe what’s really good in them,, and wonder if I am as good

Thus, I am attempting so hard to change

And become Everyone, Separately

So Everybody else loves me

 

I am losing myself

I am losing myself

I am losing myself, thinking that I am making “me” a better person

But the only thing I am doing is shattering myself

I am breaking every single sweet thing me

And soon,

I’ll be left with nothing

 

 I need immediate therapy

Better yet, I need my mom

Cuz I can’t handle it on my own

And I can’t see a bright side in being all on my own with absolutely no1 for me

I took the chance to find that one

But then at once I stopped

It felt wrong

No

No it didn’t feel wrong

But people who don’t know everything about me made it look wrong

And so I quit

what's the point in it , where's the benefit, when i am gaining all but i am losing it

 

 

 

 

Is it good to be mature?

mmm

to be a teenager but think and act like grown ups?

it might be right and healthy

but noo it's not fun at all

I don't know

I guess i don wanna be mature with wise mind and grown up thoughts

i just wanna be what any gurl in my age is supposed to be

i don't wanna grow up old

i stilll wana do all the fool teenagers do and all the experinces they go through

i wanna love and fail in that love and shed my tears

dare to speak my mind loudly

dare to listen to any kind of music and say all kinds of silly or funny jokes

just like any 18 immature teenage gurl

i know that will cuz me lots of troubles but so what!

i've lived it

i am gonna grow up anyway

why do  i wanna make it too soon for myself while i still have couple of years to MESS as much as i want

and ppl won't take me too seriously cuz am still a teenager

do you know what i might come to regret right now

all the years i spent thinking " oh no grown ups won't do so, i won't neither"

i should have done that bcuz any young foolish teenager would

i still have time to MESS UP and do mistakes

I will

i am sorry mom and dad for confiding me thinking that i am old enough to live on my own

but the truth is, i am growing younger, not older!

 Thrills- Teenager

 

the aeroplane was about to take off, seconds pass like years in my head.

He leaned a little and whispered in my ear: "few hours later and we'll be in a total different country with a whole new life infront of you".

As if i needed his words!

i closed my eyes and started to think deeply of what i am leaving behind

i am leaving the whole me

leaving your sight, leaving your scent

leaving your voice, leaving your place

leaving anything or anywhere i ever belonged to

to go for a complete different infamiliar place

just to get over you

It's just too stupid of me

thinking that i could forget you by torturing myself in your absence

The plane is moving

and i give it a second thought

do i really want to forget you

do i really wish to spend the rest of my life trying to get over you

while being in ur arms is the only thing that makes me feel alive!!!

 WHY DID WE DO THAT TO OURSELVES?

WHY DID YOU LET THAT HAPPEN?

I  am not blaming you

I am just wondering

and it doesn't have to be somebody's fault

it's just fate

but i want you to know

 

 

 

 

You make a mistake, it is ok we all do

If you come and say you’re sorry, I’ll immediately forgive you

 

But no you don’t, you blame it on me

I take it easy because I love thee

 

Every time you do something wrong

I come and talk to you

Open-mindedly willing to listen

Searching for excuses for what you do

 

However, you don’t give me the chance

You just start the fight

 

Accusing me of things not worth mentioning

But I act calmly, and call of the night

 

I stand up for myself to defend

Proving I’m innocent from all the guilt

 

And so I forget the mistake you did

I come to apologize for what I said might hurt

 

This is your way of getting away with it

Not caring for how bad I felt

 

You’re not strong enough to admit your mistakes

I take all the blame, and you think you are smart in that case

 

But sometimes I wonder, for how long it will last

Me taking all the blame and you forgetting all the past

 

‘Cause I am truly tired and sick

I never get my rights

I give and give…

Not waiting for return

But some appreciation and gratefulness

Is what I really seek

 

This time I’ll talk out loud

I’ll speak my mind and clear the cloud

 

I am not that naïve girl who apologizes for your fault

My patience has limits, and to its end, my patience you brought

 

I am giving you the chance, to come and ask my forgiveness

You know well you are mistaken, not need for any witness

 

When that happens, you are welcome again

I’ll give you back my love, but this time with gain

 

Until that time, don’t take to me

Have sometime by yourself and recall your memory

 

And if you won’t do that, hence I guess it’s the end

It was a nice time dear, good luck with that head

 

The choice is yours, take your time

I am not on a hurry. Just quit that crime

 

For now I will leave you, I am going to miss you though

Don’t forget to write me, and let my world with you glow

 

 

 

 

 

 By: Maha H.

 

 Friday 28th, september 2007

6:50 am

 

 

 

 

A song that typically describes me 2day

 

Florent Pagny & Souad Massi

Savoir Aimer

Savoir sourire,
À une inconnue qui passe,
N'en garder aucune trace,
Sinon celle du plaisir
Savoir aimer
Sans rien attendre en retour,
Ni égard, ni grand amour,
Pas même l'espoir d'être aimé,

{Refrain:}
Mais savoir donner,
Donner sans reprendre,
Ne rien faire qu'apprendre
Apprendre à aimer,
Aimer sans attendre,
Aimer à tout prendre,
Apprendre à sourire,
Rien que pour le geste,
Sans vouloir le reste
Et apprendre à Vivre
Et s'en aller.

Savoir attendre,
Goûter à ce plein bonheur
Qu'on vous donne comme par erreur,
Tant on ne l'attendait plus.
Se voir y croire
pour tromper la peur du vide
Ancrée comme autant de rides
Qui ternissent les miroirs

{Refrain}

Savoir souffrir
En silence, sans murmure,
Ni défense ni armure
Souffrir à vouloir mourir
Et se relever
Comme on renaît de ses cendres,
Avec tant d'amour à revendre
Qu'on tire un trait sur le passé.

{Refrain}

Apprendre à rêver
À rêver pour deux,
Rien qu'en fermant les yeux,
Et savoir donner
Donner sans rature
Ni demi-mesure
Apprendre à rester.
Vouloir jusqu'au bout
Rester malgré tout,
Apprendre à aimer,
Et s'en aller,
Et s'en aller...

 

I am so lonely, so lonely

It’s 3:14 am

And I just feel am all by myself

I feel like crying

I have so many people in my life

Friends who are available the moment I need them

But the specific person I need is not present

Am always that way

With the wrong person

I feel so helpless

Am constantly making mistakes

And I know that they are mistakes

And I so wish to stop them

But I just donnu how

What’s the way to stop and do the right thing

I thought getting back to college and being busy would make things ok

But that’s not me

I am not used to ignoring my feelings and just get busy with anything else

I always looked deep inside me before looking forward

Now how could I look forward for better days when I feely dusty inside

 I do feel dusty inside

Have u ever experienced that feeling before?

I can only tell u it’s anything but ok

I need some peace of mind and heart

I have problems that I donnu how to deal with

And friends doesn’t seem to help, but they do listen

 

I went to get my coffee

I have to start getting dressed at 6:30 so I realized the only way for it is my xx-l mug filled with hot coffee. The one my mum bought for me…I miss her

Across the hall I met my bro; he got up and switched on the tv

Although all he said was “tea plz” I felt alive again

I don’t feel lost or lonely or any of those any more

We don’t communicate much

But his presence makes me feel alright

Whenever he did something annoying I just wished if he would travel somewhere and leave me alone

But now I regret that..

I’ll take him with his little annoying habits am ok with that.

Now what?

What’s inside???

I really really donnu

For the 1^st time of my life I stand helpless donnu what to do

Wether listening to my heart or mind,

Or none but my instinct

I don’t wanna break hearts or confuse minds

I just want some peace

some warmness

I wish if I found that unique irreplacable

Who could give me exactly what I want

And knows what I need even b4 I say it

Some1 who a relationship with wouldn’t feel weird or wrong or awkward

Just warm and so right

Some1 I feel peaceful with, only him and no1 else around

No other irritating factors to the relationship

So hard to find??

I don’t know

But I always considered myself as a “lucky person”

For what I had

Is it the one thing  I lack

U  can’t have everything right?

But who said I do

I am looking for some1

Between the faces

Among the streets

Listening to all

Reading and sharing

Looking for some1

He doesn’t have to be a lover

As a matter of fact it could be “she”

A friend…

A sister…

A mother..

A brother…

A father…

A mate…

Whatever it is

Just that 1 person who knows all about me

My soulmate may be

How I define soulmate??

A soulmate is not just some1 who loves the same music and drinks you love, but some1 who can just dig deep inside you and clean away all the dust.

Mmmm

I want a “complete” person

A complete person for me

Complete from my point of view

Complete and not “perfect”

Where can I find u?

Will I ever find u?

I am ready to look and wait

But I need a promise that you will eventually appear in my life and save me

Cuz right now I feel so lonely and lost

Sometimes I just wish if I could have a magic stick and clear all the mistakes I did

Clear all the bad moments and memories in my history

Cuz damn it they r still hurting me

I still feel weak and naïve when I remember them

Or cruel and cold blooded

 I wanna fly away

To some other world

I wish if I could start over from the beginning

Start new

 I know what people say

No one can go back so start now

But that won’t help

I can say: starting now I will try to be what I always wanted to be, I’ll hurt no one and won’t make mistakes and will forgive people and will be a good person

But the history still irritates me

I still have visions and memories that tear me up

Besides

I can’t start a new life without ending the previous one

What about the people I know

What about the things I am involved in

What about the promises I made and have to fulfill

What about the dreams I started to achieve

See

You can never start new

But you could only move from good to better, or from bad to worse

Am I “good” or “bad”

None of the above !

I am “ordinary”

Cant tell am good

Can’t tell am bad

Just ordinary

It sux

I just feel so numb and lost

 

 

It’s completely mind breaking

When you notice that every little or big thing you do for people is returned to you the exact same way you did it

May be the goods are returned double folded

But they all return

Is it the same with u all?

Or it’s just me

While trashing a friend and totally ignoring him for no obvious reason

I am being ignored

Looking back and wishing that I didn’t ignore him

It’s my entire fault at the first place.

I am changed

Dramatically

I’ve always detested people who cared about the looks and social views such as the standard of living, the money, the positions and so, and thought that personality is everything and what really counts.

And I look at myself now and find myself one o those people

I am suddenly on of those I hate

And I try to stop myself

But I just can’t

May be cuz everybody around me is so

And I am the only one with those morals

I just seem to disregard them

And be like everyone else

Even though I know that these morals are the right to chose

But are they right to stick to and move on with???

Not in such a world

Not in such a place

I always thought that those people are shallow and superficial

Well…

I don’t judge people by looks if that what u understood

But I consider it much

Not with all people in all situations

I know that a true friend is a true friend regardless to the way he looks or his social standard

But the devil in me

That I can’t control all the time

It’s really annoying

 

• something I hate about myself: walking away with no reason or excuse

i just seem to walk away without any previous statement

is it right to just trash a friend because you only thought he is boring

Or not amusing any more

Or just walk away from some one who really loved you

And you don’t really know why

is it because you are afraid of being committed and responsible

or because I can’t face them

I can’t tell them what I really feel

I hate myself for that

I hate myself for it I do I do I do.

Ironically I get trashed the way I trashed my friend

Or get valued the way I valued my lover

And when It happens to me

I don’t seem amazed or astonished or feel unjustified

I just remember how I deserve this

And cry for myself and for what I did to others

If I could just go back and fix everything

Or start from now and be fair and caring and wise

And control that devil inside of me

To stop hating myself for it and love maha back

Days have changed me a lot

Again I wish if I could return to that young innocent gurl who’s open to life and expects people to be angelic as she is!

Unluckily she has no place in this world

I never imagined I will give up my morals so fast

I thought I would hang on longer

But what’s the difference any way

It better happens now than waiting for it (wo2oo3 el bala wala entezaro)

Right now my only wish is to get them back after losing them

And pass this stage safely cuz I can’t take it anymore.

  

 

 

-د.نبيـل فـاروق

---

 

couple of weeks a go i watched in a movie:

a scientist who was doing an expirement on a human being

what was the experiment????

he locked him in a room

and left him with no clue about the time

there's no light coming in so he doesn't know if it's morning or night

he can't hear the prayer in a nearby mosque so he can't guess what time it is

the guy was going nuts

really nuts

bouncing on the floor

hitting his head against the wall and shouting loudly

just because he didn't know how long has he been locked in there

he  didn't know what time was it

and suddenly the man settled down

he was lying peacefuly on his bed

why??

cuz some1 sneaked and gave him a watch,,, and the man finally found peace

--------

at that moment i thought that this could be the worst feeling

when you absolutely no clue what the time is

fokdank el e7sas bl wa2t

it's horrible

i tried it b4

not for too long

but it definetly felt too bad

might be the worst feeling ever

---------------------------------------------------------

at this moment another point pops upto my mind

another one of the really bad feelings that you never wish to experince

it's : when you no longer know what's right and what's not!

when you wana do something but you are not really sure which is right

it'll propably take u a long period of thinking b4 reaching that point

when you're mind is twisted o kol 7aga d7'lt f ba3d

and when you lose your common sense

when you are in a situation but you don't know is it better to just shut up or better to defend

this is just a simple example

i am not in the right mood for writing right now that's why i wouldn't expect you to understand what am trying to say

but what i am talking about is a serious issue

think about it

and i will try to explain more later

 

Yea , yea

Not all of them for sure

Despite the fact that I am a gurl myself “yes I am ”

I still don’t get some gurls’ actions or reactions

I’ll prove it to you:

At grade 9 (3^rd prep.)

I was here in Egypt in a nearby school

At that age all I was thinking about the college I should join later on and which department (I wanted to be an engineer at that time until a little gurl saw me with a beige coat and asked me: are you a doctor??? And I replied and said "if God wills, why not!!!”

Anyway,,

My classmate nada was thinking how to lose some more weight to look better

My frnd samira wanted to be popular and mean at the same time

The surprise was “Wala’a”

In a computer class someday(that was our fun time computer and tafseer classes, and don’t ask me what tafseer Is cuz I don’t even know about it”

So…

Wala’a suddenly started crying and weeping loudly with tears and so

She was sitting right behind me so I turned back and wondered

What’s up Wala’a

She said:

“My hair is so short, and I don’t know what “linen” is!!!

I WAS ASTONISHED

The gurls has been crying till we thought she is deeply heart broken

But she only thought her hair was too short!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And her hair wasn’t short by the way                                      

It was shoulder length

Or quite below

If it would make any difference to you

She was BLONDE

:D:D

No offense

Sorry wala’a but that was too stupid.

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Garbatahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

heya eh deee

malokoosh feeh

bs el mohem eni garabtaha o 7'alas

3la fekra  7lo

hab2a ageeb wa7da fl balacona

keep guessing

 

 

 

 

7aga 3ageeba

ya kollohom mawgodeen around at the same time to the degree enni msh 2adra agam3 asln mn kotrohom

ya emma msh fe 7d 5als

5als

is it my fault?

msh 3arfa

walla el donia bs heya elli layelt

tb mahi tol 3omraha el donia betlayel

msh 3arfa bgd

bs yalla

Rabenna mawgood

Hey ppl

how have u been

 i haven't been here since long

thanks to the exams

and now am free

el agaza da5la f 1 week

y3nee lessa ba5od nafasee

el 3'areeb b2a eih

enno ayam el exams

i had like 100 topics to talk about

but everytime i started here i felt guilty for spending alot of time on it

so i sort of postponed the blogs till i finish

actually postponed my whole life

and here i am now

million things in my mind

million things i wana do

but i end up everynight on the laptop reading and lsning 2 music

reading and lsning

and downloading more books

books that i already possess a print of and have read b4 already

yet....

No inspiration

A Close frnd of mine told me b4

"tol mana bazaker bygeeli e7a2 o bktb, b2eit azaker 3shan akteb not more"

tb a3mel eh?

azaker

ana msh 3yza azaker 3shan akteb

msh badawar 3la muse

writting for me is just a way to break free from thoughts and fights in my head night and day

As a matter of fact

 

there are several events am looking forward to

most of them are meetings with different people and social activities

have i told you about GreenXGreen Exhibition?

i've been there

and followed it by a concert for souad massi

i loved that lady

that was A Day To Remember actually

not because the events were special

actually it's more about the timing

and the company

i am looking forward for more

expecting much

i kno i shouldn't be

but am excited

and i need to settle down a little

i need to prioritize my activities in a better figure

cuz am spending most of the time on the laptop

if not all

but what can i do

it's FULL

things here are so many

but u kno wut started to take a serious way

i said i'll stop coffee in the vacation

i did

true that i had like 2 or 3

but 2 or 3 in a week is victory for me

how is life without coffe

boooooring and sleepy:S:S:S:S

wut am i gonna do then

i'll get back to my usual messy life

el agaza mtb2ash agaza if it's organized

with schedule o bta3

eza kont ayam el studying 3omri ma msheet b time table

hamshi beeh now

Screw IT!

i'll have coffee as  i want,

and i'll keep reading and singing loudly the whole day

who cares!

who cares to read this blog asln

i'll do wut i wana do

and regret a little by the end of this vacation for wasting this time

am used to it so don't worry about me

and don't advice me

Let me Try, Fall, Lose and learn

thank you

bbye

PS: Don't Advice, but suggest...