I am so lonely, so lonely

It’s 3:14 am

And I just feel am all by myself

I feel like crying

I have so many people in my life

Friends who are available the moment I need them

But the specific person I need is not present

Am always that way

With the wrong person

I feel so helpless

Am constantly making mistakes

And I know that they are mistakes

And I so wish to stop them

But I just donnu how

What’s the way to stop and do the right thing

I thought getting back to college and being busy would make things ok

But that’s not me

I am not used to ignoring my feelings and just get busy with anything else

I always looked deep inside me before looking forward

Now how could I look forward for better days when I feely dusty inside

 I do feel dusty inside

Have u ever experienced that feeling before?

I can only tell u it’s anything but ok

I need some peace of mind and heart

I have problems that I donnu how to deal with

And friends doesn’t seem to help, but they do listen

I went to get my coffee

I have to start getting dressed at 6:30 so I realized the only way for it is my xx-l mug filled with hot coffee. The one my mum bought for me…I miss her

Across the hall I met my bro; he got up and switched on the tv

Although all he said was “tea plz” I felt alive again

I don’t feel lost or lonely or any of those any more

We don’t communicate much

But his presence makes me feel alright

Whenever he did something annoying I just wished if he would travel somewhere and leave me alone

But now I regret that..

I’ll take him with his little annoying habits am ok with that.

Now what?

What’s inside???

I really really donnu

For the 1^st time of my life I stand helpless donnu what to do

Wether listening to my heart or mind,

Or none but my instinct

I don’t wanna break hearts or confuse minds

I just want some peace

some warmness

I wish if I found that unique irreplacable

Who could give me exactly what I want

And knows what I need even b4 I say it

Some1 who a relationship with wouldn’t feel weird or wrong or awkward

Just warm and so right

Some1 I feel peaceful with, only him and no1 else around

No other irritating factors to the relationship

So hard to find??

I don’t know

But I always considered myself as a “lucky person”

For what I had

Is it the one thing  I lack

U  can’t have everything right?

But who said I do

I am looking for some1

Between the faces

Among the streets

Listening to all

Reading and sharing

Looking for some1

He doesn’t have to be a lover

As a matter of fact it could be “she”

A friend…

A sister…

A mother..

A brother…

A father…

A mate…

Whatever it is

Just that 1 person who knows all about me

My soulmate may be

How I define soulmate??

A soulmate is not just some1 who loves the same music and drinks you love, but some1 who can just dig deep inside you and clean away all the dust.

Mmmm

I want a “complete” person

A complete person for me

Complete from my point of view

Complete and not “perfect”

Where can I find u?

Will I ever find u?

I am ready to look and wait

But I need a promise that you will eventually appear in my life and save me

Cuz right now I feel so lonely and lost

Sometimes I just wish if I could have a magic stick and clear all the mistakes I did

Clear all the bad moments and memories in my history

Cuz damn it they r still hurting me

I still feel weak and naïve when I remember them

Or cruel and cold blooded

 I wanna fly away

To some other world

I wish if I could start over from the beginning

Start new

 I know what people say

No one can go back so start now

But that won’t help

I can say: starting now I will try to be what I always wanted to be, I’ll hurt no one and won’t make mistakes and will forgive people and will be a good person

But the history still irritates me

I still have visions and memories that tear me up

Besides

I can’t start a new life without ending the previous one

What about the people I know

What about the things I am involved in

What about the promises I made and have to fulfill

What about the dreams I started to achieve

See

You can never start new

But you could only move from good to better, or from bad to worse

Am I “good” or “bad”

None of the above !

I am “ordinary”

Cant tell am good

Can’t tell am bad

Just ordinary

It sux

I just feel so numb and lost