It’s completely mind breaking

When you notice that every little or big thing you do for people is returned to you the exact same way you did it

May be the goods are returned double folded

But they all return

Is it the same with u all?

Or it’s just me

While trashing a friend and totally ignoring him for no obvious reason

I am being ignored

Looking back and wishing that I didn’t ignore him

It’s my entire fault at the first place.

I am changed

Dramatically

I’ve always detested people who cared about the looks and social views such as the standard of living, the money, the positions and so, and thought that personality is everything and what really counts.

And I look at myself now and find myself one o those people

I am suddenly on of those I hate

And I try to stop myself

But I just can’t

May be cuz everybody around me is so

And I am the only one with those morals

I just seem to disregard them

And be like everyone else

Even though I know that these morals are the right to chose

But are they right to stick to and move on with???

Not in such a world

Not in such a place

I always thought that those people are shallow and superficial

Well…

I don’t judge people by looks if that what u understood

But I consider it much

Not with all people in all situations

I know that a true friend is a true friend regardless to the way he looks or his social standard

But the devil in me

That I can’t control all the time

It’s really annoying

• something I hate about myself: walking away with no reason or excuse

i just seem to walk away without any previous statement

is it right to just trash a friend because you only thought he is boring

Or not amusing any more

Or just walk away from some one who really loved you

And you don’t really know why

is it because you are afraid of being committed and responsible

or because I can’t face them

I can’t tell them what I really feel

I hate myself for that

I hate myself for it I do I do I do.

Ironically I get trashed the way I trashed my friend

Or get valued the way I valued my lover

And when It happens to me

I don’t seem amazed or astonished or feel unjustified

I just remember how I deserve this

And cry for myself and for what I did to others

If I could just go back and fix everything

Or start from now and be fair and caring and wise

And control that devil inside of me

To stop hating myself for it and love maha back

Days have changed me a lot

Again I wish if I could return to that young innocent gurl who’s open to life and expects people to be angelic as she is!

Unluckily she has no place in this world

I never imagined I will give up my morals so fast

I thought I would hang on longer

But what’s the difference any way

It better happens now than waiting for it (wo2oo3 el bala wala entezaro)

Right now my only wish is to get them back after losing them

And pass this stage safely cuz I can’t take it anymore.